Longwalkhome

I don’t know how to go about this, I find myself without words or even really feelings. I simply don’t have the tools needed to process this.
Last Friday, at around 10:30 my Ma passed away.
She developed Pancreatic Cancer that went on checked for years, she went for a sore arm and passed away two weeks after entering the hospital.
I think I have been wounded deeper then I initially thought. I deal with this like I would anything, I flirt around the edges of it using humor to out-pace my own feelings. It works really well.
Still, I sit here. Feelings are starting to catch up and I don’t feel like running right now. You tend to questions yourself-”Am I sad enough?”, “Am I selfish is wishing she had hung on and not gone”. I am blaming anything, anyone. I am not angry per say. Simply sad.
Ma was awesome. A Hundred times a day I find myself wishing she was here. I want to talk to her. I want to tell her about my day and the interesting things I did. I want her input. I want her laugh.
I was watching some crappy monster on the Sci-Fi channel. Ma loved these things, giant radioactive bugs and snakes of any kind would make her day. I realized I didn’t really like the movies, but they were just one of those things we did together.
Funeral is in a few weeks. The 30th of October.
Humility is my new name, I have no words, tools, or resources to process this. My mind can rationalize the loss, my soul is doing much worse.

I think I will be ok though.